Cheese Man



INT. RADIO STATION DAY

Two people are sitting down in chairs with headphones on and holding microphones. Off screen someone counts five, four, three, two, one.

CLOSE UP on NARRATOR.

NARRATOR
It's time for The Adventures of Cheese Man. Brought to you by Polish Polish, the only furniture polish that cleans and restores with every coat.
SPONSOR
(enthusiastically)
The lowering of the Iron Curtain brought freedom to Eastern Europe - and shine and luster to the furniture of the West! That's right, Polish Polish with it's concentrated cleansing conditioners adds natural beauty every time. It leaves no residue or film, is clean and fresh and is safe to use on any surface. It has a seal of quality and is a professional choice. Remember to get yours today.
NARRATOR
The adventures of Cheese Man. Is it milk? Is it a curd? No! It's Cheese Man! Starring Jack Mozzarella as Cheese Man. The villin will be played by Vino Graperelli as, The grape of Death. Tonight's show is intitled "The Istanbul Incident."

INT. KITCHEN DAY

On top of a kitchen counter, there lies a perfect turkey. Or, at least it would be perfect if only it had a few garnishes. A triangular wedge of Cheese with two legs and floating eyes enters.
NARRATOR
Our story starts out with Cheese Man taking a morning stroll in the kitchen to accentuate the turkey.
CHEESE MAN
Ah! What a glorious day to achieve my life long goal of accentuating the turkey.
ANGLE ON CHEESE MAN to a WIDER ANGLE. A GRAPE is now seen standing in front of the turkey. It wears a black cloke and holds a scythe. Cheese Man stops in his tracks. Cello music starts.
NARRATOR
Suddenly, Cheese Man stops in his tracks. Directly in front of him lies a grape, in a cloak black as night, menacingly swinging a scythe. It is his arch nemesis, the Grape of Death!
Star Wars THEME is played.
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
A ha! I've been waiting for you, Cheese Man. We meet again at last. The food chain is now complete. When I first met you I was but a raisin, but now I am the massier.
THEME ends abruptly.
CHEESE MAN
Don't you mean master?
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
No, I mean massier - I have more mass.
CHEESE MAN
No you don't!
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
Perhaps not. Usually I would have my army of minions with me.
Tropical music is played.
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
But right now they're in Maui for a family reunion. However, even without them, I shall accentuate the turkey! Bwahaha!
Tropical music ends.
CHEESE MAN
Not so fast! I will be accentuating Istanbul.
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
No, you've got it all wrong. If you were going to accentuate anything, which you wont, you would be accentuating a turkey. Not Istanbul.
CHEESE MAN
Well, I will be doing that!
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
Not if I have anything to say about it!
CHEESE MAN
Don't be a sour grape.
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
Shut up! And I know just how to settle this little difficulty.- A tournament!
CHEESE MAN
Sounds all right.
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
There will be three events: Rolling, Spattering, and -
EVERYONE
(very deep)
Sudden Death!
CHEESE MAN
Bring it on!

INT. KITCHEN COUNTER TOP DAY

THE GRAPE OF DEATH and CHEESE MAN stand off at the beginning of the race, faces toward the finish line.
NARRATOR
And so the first event is the rolling competition. Usually Cheese Man would not do well at this being only a wedge of cheese, but in a dash of incredible brilliance, he brings out his circular Cheese Mobile and starts off.
A circular wheel of cheese with a triangular piece cut out of it's side appears out of nowhere. Cheese Man fits himself into the wedge.
CHEESE MAN
A ha! It's my Cheese Mobile. When I pop into it, I become one with the wheel of cheese!
Piccolo and violin music starts up.
FAVORING Cheese Man as he starts to roll along in his circular wheel of cheese. FAVORING The Grape of Death as he sees this and throws his scythe in the path of the cheese mobile. It deflates. WIDER ANGLE with The Grape of Death rolling on by, crossing the finish line.
NARRATOR
Cheese Man rockets off at great velocities, ripping toward the finish line! Shocked, appalled, and slightly disturbed at the sight of Cheese Man winning, the Grape of Death hurls his scythe at the Cheese Mobile. A loud squishing sound is heard as the Cheese Mobile deflates. The Grape of Death rolls on by and crosses the finish line.
Music ends.
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
A ha! You should have used real cheese for your Cheese Mobile instead of inflatable, pasteurized, processed Cheese food substitute.
CHEESE MAN
Aw, it's not my fault; this is a low budget recording!
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
A ha! I win!
CHEESE MAN
Not so fast! We still have two more events.

INT. REFRIGERATOR TOP DAY

The Grape of Death and Cheese Man stand atop the refrigerator. They look over the edge, ready to jump.
NARRATOR
The next event is the splattering contest. The rules are to stand on top of the refrigerator and topple over. Whoever has remnants covering the largest radius, wins.
Decathalon music starts up.
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
On your mark, get set, topple!
Cheese Man jumps off the refrigerator and bounces when he hits the floor. The Grape of Death jumps and splatters when he hits the floor.
NARRATOR
Cheese Man heroically springs over the edge and hits the tile floor at a wholly remarkable speed! He lets out a Grade A curdling scream.
CHEESE MAN
Ahhhhhhh!
NARRATOR
Unfortunately, he bounces because his curds are of high quality. The Grape of Death, however, splatters in a huge burst of pulp.
Decathalon music ends.
CHEESE MAN
Ha ha! I have tricked you, Grape of Death! I cannot splatter! Now I can accentuate the turkey! Bwahaha!

INT. RADIO STATION DAY

Two people are sitting down in chairs with headphones on and holding microphones. One leans into the mic, grinning. Accordion music starts playing.
SPONSOR
(enthusiastically)
This seems like a good time to talk about Polish Polish. Now Polish Polish isn't just a furniture polish, it's a fast acting cleaner and refresher that can be used on any surface. Use it on your tables, chairs, desks, computers, clocks, fireplaces, outside play equipment, and dishware.
DEEP VOICE (O.S.)
Using Polish Polish in an inconsistent manner with its labeling is a violation of Federal Law.
SPONSOR
And with just one quick spritz, your grapes are as good as new.
Accordion music stops.


INT. KITCHEN FLOOR DAY

Cheese Man is standing next to the splatered mass of the Grape of Death. A man comes in and sprinkles Polish Polish over the Grape of Death. The Grape of Death reforms.
NARRATOR
A man comes in and sprinkles Polish Polish on the Grape of Death and he reforms from the splattered mass on the floor.
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
I win! Ha ha ha!
CHEESE MAN
That's just because you have Polish Polish.
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
Nevertheless, I win! Ha ha ha!-
CHEESE MAN
Hey, stop that. It's getting old.
NARRATOR
But the Grape of Death ran out of laughing time, for then the no-holds barred fight to the death tournament began!
Action music begins.
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
Bwahaha! My scythe will destroy you!
CHEESE MAN
No, my incredible mold will defeat you!
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
It can not, for you have no mold! You have been refrigerated from the day you were just a curd.
CHEESE MAN
No, it is not possible! However, I have powers! Political powers!
Many Cheese wedges appear behind Cheese Man wearing tri-corner hats.
NARRATOR
A host of patriotic cheeses appear.
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
Well I, too, have powers. Death powers, hence the name.
The Grape of Death waves his Scythe in the air and a microwave appears. The microwave opens and its heat rays melt the patriotic cheeses.
NARRATOR
The Grape of Death waves his scythe at the patriotic cheeses. An enormous microwave appears. The patriotic cheeses are horribly fried and they melt into one enormous blob of Velveeta Cheese Loaf.
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
A ha! Now you are defenseless with nothing but Velveeta! I will relish slashing the whey from you!
CHEESE MAN
Whatcha gonna do? Cut the cheese?
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
Enough of your insolence! Now... You... Die!
Action music stops.
CHEESE MAN
You've forgotten the Cheese Mobile Mk. II!
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
I didn't forget it! It doesn't exist!
CHEESE MAN
It does now, because I say so!
A circular wheel of cheese with a triangular piece cut out of it's side appears out of nowhere.
NARRATOR
The Cheese Mobile Mk. II appears with a pop.
POP noise.
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
You can't just make something appear! It's against the law of conservation of matter!
National Anthem starts up.
CHEESE MAN
In America, we have the freedom of speech. I'm simply exercising that right to bring the situation to my advantage.
National Anthem stops.
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
Noo! Back in Cuba we do not have, nor deserve, rights!
Cheese Man and the Grape of Death start to hit each other with their weapons.
NARRATOR
And so they battle it out. Cheese Man with his Cheese Mobile mk. II and the Grape of Death with his scythe. It turns out to be a close match until the Grape of Death shouts:
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
My Combo-Scythe-Radar-Ultimate-Laser-Beam Blaster Cannon Launcher of destruction will get you good!
BLASTER sounds.
CHEESE MAN
Aieee!
NARRATOR
With a beam of light and a flash, Cheese Man is on his side, flailing hopelessly, the Cheese Mobile Mk. II deflated on the ground.
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
At last it ends. I shall accentuate the turkey!
Big fat man enters, picks up the Grape of Death, and eat him.
NARRATOR
At that moment, a big fat man walks into the kitchen, grabs the grape, and devours him.
THE GRAPE OF DEATH
What? No! Nooooo!
CHEESE MAN
Ah, that was a lucky one for me. ....So, I guess I won then, right!?
MAUI GRAPE #1 (O.S.)
You don't have the legal precedent to make such a claim!
Two grapes in hula skirts and briefcases enter the scene.
NARRATOR
In a startling turn of events, the vacationing grapes return from their retreat en masse!
CHEESE MAN
Uh, hey, wait a minute, weren't you in Maui?
MAUI GRAPE #2
We can smell a successful suit from light years away!
NARRATOR
Like sharks in the ocean, the grapes of the family tended towards the lawyering vocation.
MAUI GRAPE #1 opens briefcase, gets out a form, and hands it to Cheese Man.
MAUI GRAPE #1
According to file ES - 201 section 6 part 2, whatever one of the group does applies in full to the rest, no ifs, ands, or buts all holds barred no suppoena or filibuster allowed!
CHEESE MAN
But- wait a second! You weren't even here! How can you-
MAUI GRAPE #2
True, Cousin Harry was a bit off the wall, especially with the whole dark cloak obsession lately - even worse than the clown shoes and maybe he was a bit loud at parties - and maybe just a bit annoying with all that evil laughter at funerals- But it doesn't matter! He's part of our group, and we claim all benefits he may have gained in his pathetic life!
CHEESE MAN
But- but- It seems to me that the Grape of Death was... er... not in his best mental state at the time of his unfortunate demise - which I had only a nominal part in. Couldn't the case be called off due to insanity?
MAUI GRAPE #1
Overruled. The turkey accentuation is officially delegated to Associated Grapes, Inc. as of today until Jan. 1st 2020.
MAUI GRAPE #2
We're sorry for your loss.
The maui grapes go to accentuate the turkey. A man comes in and eats the turkey along with the grapes.
NARRATOR
The grapes go to accentuate the turkey. Of course, at this point, they are eaten along with the turkey.
CHEESE MAN
I guess I should thank them... But why?
Somehow the Grape of Death Cheese Man, the Sponsor, and the Narrator all get together on set and sing.
EVERYONE
(sings)
The cheese stands alone,
The cheese stands alone,
Hi ho the dario,
The cheese stands alone.

INT. RADIO STATION DAY
NARRATOR
That's it for The Adventures of Cheese Man. Until next time, buy Polish Polish, the only furniture polish that cleans and restores with every coat.
Onion


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